Dumb Things To Buy Online

Chicken Nugget Keychain

A tiny chicken nugget that hangs from your keys. Realistic enough to make you hungry. Inedible. Still worth it.

Exaggerated / Giant Spoon

Comically oversized spoon. Too big for any bowl you own. Too weird to explain. Too good to not buy.

Pet Rock

Comes with a training manual. Never barks. Never bites. Never needs feeding. The perfect pet for a busy lifestyle.

Squirrel Finger Puppet

A tiny squirrel that lives on your finger. Perfect for meetings. Perfect for funerals. Perfect for any occasion, really.

Cat Plush

A soft, squishy cat that will never knock your stuff off the table. Technically an upgrade over a real cat.

85in Burrito Tortilla Blanket

Wrap yourself into a human burrito. Seven feet of tortilla blanket. The most comfortable you will ever feel.

Poop Emoji Mini Waffle Maker

Makes waffles shaped like the poop emoji. Fully functional. Completely real. This is what technology was for.

Macaroni and Cheese Scented Candle

Your home will smell like a box of Kraft Dinner. Guests will be confused. You will be at peace.

Crochet Positive Penis

A handcrafted, encouraging little guy. Here to support you. Comes with good vibes. No further questions.

CVS Receipt Scarf

A scarf printed to look like a CVS receipt. Double-sided. Incredibly long. A statement piece for the financially aware.

Muscular Duck

A duck with abs. Sculpted. Ripped. Living its best life. Display it prominently. Let it inspire you.

Long Nose Extension

A wearable nose extension that makes your nose dramatically longer. For what purpose? Nobody knows. Nobody needs to know.

Magnetic Holding Hands Socks

Socks with magnets so pairs find each other in the laundry. Solving the problem nobody asked to be solved.

Scented Corn Squeeze Toy

A squishy, scented corn toy. Smells like corn. Feels like corn. Is corn. Mostly. Squeeze it. You deserve this.

Break In Case of Emergency Box

A tiny box for your personal emergencies. Fill it with whatever you need most. Snacks strongly recommended.

Empty Box (Gift Of Nothing)

An empty box. That's it. Give it to someone special. Let them wonder. Let them sit with that.

I Pee in Pools Cap

A hat that makes a declaration. Wear it poolside. Watch people slowly back away. The water is yours now.

Six-Seven Mug

A mug so weird it has a number in its name. Pour coffee into it. Stare at it. Question your choices. Sip.

Banana Slicer

Slices an entire banana in one press. Solves the #1 problem in modern cooking. Over 5,000 five-star reviews. Completely unironic.

Yodelling Pickle

Press the button. It yodels. It's a pickle. This exists and you need it in your home immediately.

Rubber Horse Head Mask

A full rubber horse head that fits over your own. Wear it anywhere - the grocery store, job interviews, funerals.

Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt

Three wolves howling at the moon, on a t-shirt. Rumoured to have mystical properties. Thousands of believers agree.

Nicolas Cage Sequin Pillowcase

A reversible sequin pillowcase that reveals Nicolas Cage's face when you stroke it. Sweet dreams.

Finger Hands

Little rubber hands that go on your fingers. Your fingers now have hands. This is fine. This is completely normal.

Bigfoot Garden Statue

A life-sized Bigfoot statue for your garden. Greet guests with the cryptid they never knew they needed.

The Selfie Toaster

Burns your face onto toast every morning. Start the day looking at yourself. In bread form.

Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats

A tiny inflatable unicorn horn for your cat's head. Your cat will hate it. You will love every second.

Toilet Golf Game

A putting green for your bathroom floor. Practice your short game during the most reflective moments of your day.

Screaming Rubber Chicken

Squeeze it and it screams. It really screams. A deeply satisfying experience. Neighbours may be concerned.

Squishable Avocado Plush

A giant squishy avocado to hug. More reliable than the real thing. Won't go brown overnight.

Pop the Pig Board Game

Feed the pig burgers until his belly pops. It is exactly as chaotic as it sounds. Perfect for everyone.

Beard King Beard Bib

A cape that attaches to your mirror and catches beard trimmings. Genuinely clever. Genuinely ridiculous.

Billy Bob Hillbilly Teeth

Novelty teeth designed to make you look incredibly distinguished. Wear them everywhere. Especially dates.

'How to Avoid Huge Ships' Book

A genuine book with genuine advice on avoiding huge ships. The Amazon reviews alone are worth the price.

Inflatable T-Rex Costume

A full battery-powered inflatable T-Rex suit. Fully wearable. Appropriate for all occasions, apparently.

Cat Butt Fridge Magnets

Tiny cat butt magnets for your fridge. A set of four for maximum coverage. Tasteful. Very tasteful.

Wine Wipes for Teeth

Wipes that remove red wine stains from your teeth mid-sip. Discreet. Practical. Tells a story about you.

Smart Self-Stirring Mug

Press a button and it stirs itself. You've been manually stirring for years like an animal. This ends now.

Solar-Powered Dancing Sunflower

A tiny sunflower that dances when sunlight hits it. You will watch it for longer than you'd like to admit.

Beer Belly Fanny Pack

A fanny pack shaped like a beer belly. Wear it on your stomach. Instantly become someone's cool uncle.

Tin Foil Hat

Professionally made tin foil hat. Stylish. Keeps out all frequencies, probably. Look, you can't be too careful.

Squirrel Picnic Table Feeder

A tiny picnic table for squirrels to eat at. They will use it. This is the best purchase you will ever make.

Sasquatch Gnome Wrecker Statue

A Sasquatch stomping on a garden gnome. For the lawn that has everything. Neighbours will not know what to say.

Stretchy Sticky Slap Hand

A sticky rubber hand on a long string. Slap things from across the room. Stick things to walls. Endless possibilities.

Octopus Wall Walker

Throw it at the wall. It sticks and crawls down. Peak toy design. A four-pack because one is never enough.

Rainbow Silicone Slap Bracelets

Slap bracelets that snap onto your wrist with deeply satisfying force. 12 in a pack. Share them. Or don't.

Hairy Chest BBQ Apron

An apron printed to look like a hairy torso. Wear it at your BBQ. Guests leave faster. Food tastes the same.

Handerpants

Tiny underpants for your hands. Your hands deserve modesty and dignity too. A very bold fashion statement.

Big Lebowski White Russian T-Shirt

The Dude abides. On a t-shirt. For those who really tie the room together.

Bacon-Scented Air Freshener

Your car will smell like bacon. Your house will smell like bacon. You will smell like bacon. This is the dream.

Snake-in-a-Can Prank

Hand someone a can of nuts. Springs pop out. Friendship immediately ends. Regret nothing.

Toilet-Shaped Coffee Mug

Drink your morning coffee from a tiny toilet. Sets the tone for the day. Makes guests deeply uncomfortable.

Liquid Ass Fart Spray

A spray that smells exactly like what you think. Immediate results guaranteed. Use responsibly. Or don't.

Magical Unicorn Mask

A full unicorn head mask. Slip it on. Become something magical. Show up anywhere. Change everything.